Big Girls Don't Cry

We cry when we come into this world. We cry when someone leaves it.

So many kinds of tears.

There are so many times I've hidden my tears from my child. In the shower, at night when she is asleep. Silent tears in the bedroom when she is playing in the other room. 

We cry. We just do. So why do we hide it? Why do we hide it from our children?

I always thought that hiding my tears from my daughter was protecting her from my pain, from the harsh realities of the world. 

I cried in front of my child today. Loud, ugly, heart rending tears. It didn't start that way, oh no, it started with silent tears streaming down my face while driving. 

Yes, I'd bombed interview #2 of a job I really actually wanted and God knows needed. I had a feeling I would, had asked them EXACTLY what they were looking for, told them my limitations, and they still wanted me to come in. So after being able to answer about 3 of the 10 questions on their technical "test" I left more than discouraged.

It had already been a discouraging week for me. Money is so incredibly tight. While the necessary top tier bills are paid, the rest aren't...and won't be for another week at least. Christmas? I can't even think about that right now. We had a death in the family as well as the death of an old friend. So much loss. Tired? I'm working split shifts and sleeping in hour intervals and it's taking a toll. I know I should be grateful, and I am. But sometimes girls cry. Sometimes they just need to. Have to. And in that moment of overwhelming frustration, sadness, and outright feeling of failure, I cried. 

I made it to my parking lot. Then broke down in front of my daughter. My sweet, sensitive, curious daughter that I am so incredibly proud of. And do you know what she did? She took a napkin from her lunch, she leaned into the front seat, wiped my tears and told me, "Mommy, it's going to be ok."

And I realized in that moment that she was right. It is ok to cry...even in front of her sometimes. Because mommies aren't perfect. Sometimes they get sad, and it's good that children know it. It's good that they know it's ok to cry. We aren't doing them any favors by pretending to be invincible. 

And it's OK because in that moment, YOU know it will be ok too. 

Materialism or Security? Please Reply with Suggestions!

There are only 36 days until Christmas. Yes, you read that correctly. I also had a minor breakdown when I googled it.

One thing that I began to struggle with last year is dealing with materialism with the mini. It began when I suggested we go through her toys to find a few that we could donate to children in need. I honestly expected her to be OK with it. Typically, my child is extremely thoughtful and shares like a dream. No. No.No.No. 

Instant screaming, flailing temper tantrum and honest to god tears. 

I was shocked... and a little appalled. Yes, I will admit it. Appalled.

I was also completely unprepared as to how to handle this last year, so just decided to delay. I know, I know. It didn't do me any good, and probably hurt the matter not to address it, but Wondermom I am not. 

I approached the idea this morning. SAME RESULT. Yes, I was hoping my 7-year-old would miraculously decide to be a giver over the past year. Wrong. Still a kid.

One thing I was told last year was this:

"It's a security thing, so many things are changing for her this year, to give up belongings is another. Let her have her things so she feels secure in them."

And I agreed. Then.

I don't want my child's security to depend on THINGS. I want it to depend on HER. Things come and go. CHANGE IS THE CONSTANT IN LIFE. If this IS  a security issue, it still needs to be addressed in my opinion.

We have been so blessed. Lilah has about 345937483 grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins from my side, her dad's side and now her incredible step-mom's side. She literally has to crawl through the crazy that is Christmas gifts every year. 

Obviously, this creates a problem logistically as our home is not huge, and her "things" are invading every square inch of the house. Some things I KNOW she doesn't play with. 

Someone recommended that I clear out the toys while she isn't home. I'll admit, this sounded like a better idea. After thinking about it, however, it did nothing to solve the real problem. 

How do I show my daughter that materialism is not a great attribute while not damaging her feeling of security? How do I show her that security isn't derived from our possessions?

I honestly don't know yet. Hence the blog post today. I need advice. I've heard a lot so far. I've read countless articles. Has anyone dealt with this themselves and seen actual results?

Please comment with your suggestions!!!

#MoneyMonday - Pantry Meal Plans & Publix

First things first... I spend about $200 a month on groceries and always have a full fridge, freezer and pantry. I could probably feed a family of 4 on it actually, since my half chest freezer is constantly being used to store even more. I have some coupon crazy friends who can squeeze that a lot more, but I find this works perfectly for me and my daughter, and our half chest freezer.  There are 3 things I do to keep my stress and grocery bill low.

1. Here's a quick shot (proof for my skeptics) of my food stash. This is my pantry. This is pretty much how it always looks give or take a few different items. I stock a pantry. It does take a little effort at first. Every family has their own standard staples. Obviously, we have rice, pasta, sauces, tons of tomatoes, snacks for Lilah's school day, some canned soups, veggies and my new obsession, V8 Green Juice. But isn't stocking a pantry expensive at first? Nope.

2. I coupon at Publix. One of the reasons I like shopping at Publix is that it make it very easy to coupon. Publix puts out weekly ads similar to most grocery stores, but they have a huge number of BOGO items every week. Couponing 101 - BOGO items PLUS coupons for each item = HUGE SAVINGS.  Every week, I check out a coupon website and see what great deals Publix has. This saves me a ton of time. I can easily look at my preferred store, see what items I'm interested in, and also print out the associated coupons. The site pretty much does the work for you. I spend about 20 minutes or so on this a week, normally over coffee so it's also a time out for me. WIN WIN! Now, some people are die hard couponers and can save 90% of their grocery bill this way. I am happy with a 50% reduction on average.

3. Lastly, I meal plan like a mother. No seriously, moms should meal plan. It takes away stress. I know some are screaming, "But planning meals itself it stressful!!!!" I used to agree. But I'm a die hard foodie who likes puzzles. I meal plan on a weekly basis. Any longer and I find I have too much waste, and can't stick to it. Some people like monthly, I just don't. Most recipes call for 4-6 servings, which is A-OK with me. I am a big leftover fan, but I rarely eat them the next day. How? Well, I invest in plastic containers. Amazon has some great deals on the standard black body builder style containers that are microwave, dishwasher and freezer safe. These are some of my favorites, and no, I'm not being paid to sell them. I stock these guys in my freezer for quickie lunches. Think those expensive and preservative laden, low calorie lunches are easy? They may be, but these are already paid for, and YOU control what you put in them. And they heat up the exact same way. Nuke 'em for a few minutes and you are on your way. Ok, but what meals do I meal plan? Publix and my pantry tells me. No, seriously, they do. The first place you should "shop" for your meal plan is your pantry. See where I was leading with #1? I check out my pantry and freezer and can pretty much eyeball what meals I can make that week. Right now I'm swarming in Bok Choy and romaine from the garden, so my pantry (and fridge and freezers) tell me I'll be making the following:

Grilled chicken salad with dried cranberries, sunflower seeds, and raspberry vinaigrette. I could easily warm up one of the canned soups I have on hand to go with.

"Spaghetti" with meat sauce. I have spaghetti squash for me and pasta for the mini and a stock of ground chicken breast in the freezer.

Stirfry. Always a great idea with fresh veggies. Toss whatever you have in the fridge that needs to be used, some spices and rice and you are good to go.

Chili night! It's fall, even though it's still in the low 80's and I always want chili in November. I will probably throw together some cornbread as well.

Special: Fish Chowder. I always like one "foodie" night for myself. I love to slave over a stove :) Plus, the freezer says I have cod and probably a few shrimp as well.

Hope this gives you a few ideas on how you can easily save as well!

#MoneyMonday more like #NoMoneyMonday

Money.
You can't live with it.
You can't live without it. 
But if you've ever been poor, it's sure as hell a lot easier to live with it. But maybe that's because I've never had quite enough to experience the problems of having too much.

For some of y'all this post may piss you off. For some it may be a solid, "Been there, done that." Others? You may laugh and say you've dealt with worse. And you probably have. This is just my story.

Background: WASP right wing conservative family. We're talking Tea Party conservatives. I volunteered for whatever Republican was on the local/state/national ticket in high school. One thing I was taught over and over and over again was that WELFARE WAS WRONG.

"Hard work pays!"

"Just keep working hard, and that's all you need to get ahead!"

"Hard work equals success!"

You know what hard work pays in the majority of the country?

It pays shit.

And life? Life is expensive.

There are 45968734 blogs showing you how to live on a penny. I know, I've read them. There are 5693749 blogs about how to find a better job. I know, I've read them. And there is NOTHING wrong with them. I follow some religiously for great ideas.

But guess what? I still found myself broke, with a baby to feed and after applying for hundreds of jobs that I thought I deserved, realized, there were 45391892 people that thought the same thing...and they all applied for those jobs too. 

I'll never forget my first trip to the public aid office. I cried. I was absolutely terrified. I had my baby with me because I didn't have a family member available to babysit, and well duh, couldn't afford one,...public aid line people. So I sat and waited...and waited...and waited. I waited with a crying infant. I waited surrounded by other people with crying infants. I waited with people who were changing babies diapers on their laps because they were terrified of walking away to a bathroom and missing their name being called. I waited with sick people who can't exactly call in sick to get food stamps. I looked around and realized I waited with people JUST LIKE ME. Just like me. 

I qualified for assistance with daycare which enabled me to work at a restaurant. I made 
$3.00 an hour. Yes, you read that right. In case you were unaware, servers and bartenders do not make minimum wage. They have a lower wage because they are expected to make tips. The tips? Yeah, not everyone tips. Even fewer tip well. I'm looking at you hoards of church people going out to lunch. You were the worst ones. You left me church pamphlets when I could have really used $5 dollars since I SPENT GAS MONEY GOING TO CHURCH LAST WEEK. Then those tips that are left? They are taxed out of my $3.00 an hour, meaning no paycheck. There were days when I made $5.00. There were days when I made $150. But those were a lot fewer than the others.

I qualified for food stamps. I remember shaking as I used the card for the first time. I remember avoiding the eyes of the man standing behind me in case he was staring in disgust at how his tax dollars were going towards my Honey Nut Cheerios. I remember The people waiting behind me while I had to do multiple WIC transactions for my baby formula. I remember the loud sighs, the actual tapping of feet, the people telling others, "You may as well go to an other lane this is taking forever!"  

I qualified for medical care. When my daughter was losing weight as an infant and throwing up all the formula I had just struggled to buy, I remember the nights at the hospital. I remember calling around and looking for a specialist that would take Medicaid. But once I did? Relief. Such relief that I wanted to bake muffins for that office, that doctor, those nurses. Relief that I didn't have to pay hundreds of dollars for every visit for my baby. 

But there is one thing that I qualified for that isn't on the chopping block of any election.

I qualified for compassion.

I started looking at things just a little differently. I started smiling at the moms in line using their cards, or offering to helping them load their groceries while they balanced their crying babies. I started realizing that no, there is no perfect system, but until then there are imperfect systems full of people. PEOPLE. Not statistics. PEOPLE. Their stories? They are probably way more tragic than mine. I love my life. Seriously. I do. It's crazy and stressful, but full of love and laughter and I wouldn't take back a day. I ESPECIALLY wouldn't take back that first day I spent in the public aid line. Compassion is something that can't be purchased for any price.

This is what welfare looks like.

Sunday: Day of Rest..... for people without kids

Oh, the good ol' days when Sundays meant sleeping in, ordering takeout, recovering from bartending until 4 am and bartenders happy hour at 5. 

If you have no idea what I am talking about then you obviously didn't bartend during college but you can at least probably remember when Sundays mean church, naps and lengthy lunches. Or something normal people do.

When childless fellow humans ask me what I'm doing over the weekend, I inevitably say, "Cleaning," to which their response is, "Didn't you just say that yesterday...and the day before?"

Yup. Sure did. Thanks for reminding me that my life as a single mother of a VERY active child requires constant scrubbing of floors due to spills, puke, tomato juice, the picking up of mangled action figures and the CURSED TOYS CREATED BY THE DEVIL HIMSELF... LEGOS! (I know I'm not the only person who has wanted to shoot the inventor of Legos in the face while creeping through the house after hours and encountering one of those agents of darkness.)

I did manage to make it to church with the mini this morning so that I could prepare my house to be acceptable to the outside world. My aunt is visiting town this week and I was told no less than 35 times by my mother to clean since she would be bringing her by to see my new place. So since 11:00 am this morning I have been attempting to clean. It's 4:00 pm. My room has not yet been vacuumed or dusted, my makeup is everywhere, I still haven't done my own laundry since towels and kid laundry has taken the ENTIRE DAY.  But my kitchen looks damn good. Not the floors, but the counters, well, most of them. 

I used to attempt all of the cleaning by myself when the mini was out of the house, but nowadays that is sporadic and my work hours are all over the place since I work part-time but have 24 hour availability to the properties I help manage. Yeah, so my schedule sucks for planning. 

I enlisted the help of my 7 year old, and let me tell you, it takes 7 times as long. This is how it goes:
1. Tell the child 5 times what you need them to do.
2. Show the child what you meant for each item since they didn't do it or did it incorrectly.
3. Tell the child 5 more times what you need them to do.
4. Do it yourself out of frustration.

Yep. That's pretty much cleaning with kids. 

Anyone else identify?

Foodie Friday...on Saturday

Originally my idea was to post a Foodie Friday.... then realized today was Saturday. So this week we are doing a Garden/Foodie Saturday post. It's a long one, but I just can't get over my greens this season! I mean come on! Is it just me that looks at romaine and sees the flower in it? 

However, the romaine is for salad this week, the mutant Pak Choi (bok choy, bok choi, etc) is the real star of the day. My Asian cabbages went absolutely nuts over the past week and are now bigger than my head. Obviously, I'm not a fan of waste, so I immediately started researching recipes to take advantage of this HUGE harvest.

After much research I decided to do what I typically do, wing it and hope it's awesome. I can say that today's idea was a 100% win. Marinated baked cod over a bed of sauteed Pak Choi sprinkled with local goat cheese. I know it sounds unusual, especially for those of you who aren't familiar with mixing cheese and fish. Trust me on this one though. The cod is a great mild fish that retains its firmness and perfectly balances out the strong flavors of an Asian marinade while the creamy goat cheese gives a great counter texture to the crunchy greens.

I picked the Pak Choi this morning and after separating the stalks from the leaves, diced and chopped away while dancing around my kitchen to Imelda May and getting caught in the act by the painters outside my window. You are so welcome for the laugh sir painter.  

I made an incredibly simple marinade that I use constantly with local raw honey, low sodium soy, ground ginger, a dash of organic apple cider vinegar and a little sesame oil. (I never measure my ingredients for this, I just toss it together and taste. Usually I run with equal parts honey and soy, a tablespoon or two of ginger and a splash of the vinegar and oil.) This is literally good on everything, and I mean EVERYTHING. I left the cod in half of the marinade while preheating the oven to 450 F. 

While the oven is preheating, go ahead and set a large saute pan or skillet on medium high heat. I only use stainless steel cookware, so I heat it dry then add a little oil right before adding the veggies. While the skillet is heating I tossed the diced stalks in the rest of the marinade. I hate soggy greens, so I always separate the greens from the stalks. It does take more time, but I find the texture much more appetizing then limp green goo. 

Line a baking pan with parchment paper and place the cod fillets on top and put in oven and set the timer for 7-9 minutes. It doesn't take too long to cook these so I typically wait until I'm ready to throw the veggies in to place in oven.

Stand back (make sure your vent is on high for this, it WILL steam) and toss the stalks and marinade into the hot pan. Give it a little shimmy to keep it from sticking. I actually have no idea if this works but I feel like the Iron Chef when I do it so I constantly find myself shimmying away. Let it cook to crunchy tender and add the greens. You can cover to steam the greens a little faster, or just stir. 

Once the greens reach your desired doneness go ahead and remove from skillet with a slotted spoon and plate. Arrange your now finished cod on top and sprinkle with goat cheese. I bought an amazing local jalapeno mango goat cheese this week and used that. Side note: a little goat cheese goes a long way, it is a strong flavor.

This pretty plate lasted about .05 seconds.Yes it was that good. In hindsight, I think I would skip the marinade portion with the cod, and let its natural flavor take the stage. The marinade is a strong flavor and worked perfectly with the greens. The goat cheese gave it this subtle tart taste and creamy perfection that really brought out the other flavors. This one is definitely going in the "To Make Again" pile. 

Now, it's time to prepare and freeze the rest of the Pak Choi for soups and stews this winter!

Yes I know it's spelled "postmodern"

Full Definition of POSTMODERN

:  of, relating to, or being an era after a modern one <postmodern times> <a postmodern metropolis>

I am 32 and fast approaching 33. I'm not sure why this bothers me. Perhaps the double digit is doggedly depressing me due to the fact that I am 32...33 and completely adrift. 

Yes, Mom, I know I'm single. 

Yes, I am a statistic being labeled a "single mom." 

Yes, I am working a part time job that doesn't come close to paying my monthly bills.

Yes, I have given up most of my childhood dreams and expectations.

Yes, I go to bed at 7:30 pm because my child does, and damn it, 5:30 am comes quickly anymore.

Yes, I know that the "Modern Life" I had in mind 15 years ago no longer exists.

This is my Post Modern Life. 

This life, I am floundering through with no sense of direction. This life throws curve balls around every corner, and I am fighting to thrive through it all. This life brings unimaginable fear, but also unimaginable joy.